2016 / 15 March

My road to peace with myself

From an orthodox muslim to a free man

I became a muslim some 21 years ago. I was 18 at that time. As is the case with a lot of new converts I put my faith completely in those who were born-muslims. Very soon I found out that there was a huge difference between that what Islam preaches and that what muslims do.

I wanted Paradise, I wanted God, I wanted to be like prophet Muhammad … and what was a better and more suited way than sticking to the letter of the word and not grasp the spirit within the letter.

I soon found myself making decisions that went against my heart, and were at war with my: soul, mindset and values. I did not attend the funeral of my grandfather – as he died as a non-believer – and did not give my condolences to my grandmother, I did not attend my sisters wedding and was absent at my fathers funeral, whom I lost a the age of 24. I used to stay away from warehouses were music was played and got of the bus as soon as the driver chose to put on the radio. I tore apart all the pictures of my past. Was I afraid not being good enough or was the manipulation of scholars indoctrinating my soul to strong, maybe both.

I wanted to be holier than the pope and ended up being a robot, driven by false fatwa’s and a corrupt understanding of Islam, my mind moving in one direction, my body in another one until they became one.

I was a (non violent) selefi for more than a decade. I used to read 300 pages every night and memorized thousands of prophetic narrations, poems and Koran..

The reading of one book made me find love in Islam, it was: Islam and art of dr. Yusuf Q. I read it in one go. It opened my eyes and made me understand that Islam was far more bigger and richer than the preachers tried to show me.

I chose to come out of my prison, to flee to my own self, to find the person I left far behind. In harmony with my religion, my soul, my joy, my happiness.

End part 1



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